I really hate disappointing myself

Music: Miserable at Best-Mayday Parade
Mood: Fucked up

Hello World. I fucking screwed my fucking Chinese Paper2. And my paper1 was partially screwed. The sentence structure in paper1 totally didn't even make any sense to me. For a second I was, "what the mama happened to my cheeeenaaaaa!" You know how it feels when every time you have the confidence that you will score well, every time you test yourself and you ace it. Then when you come to the exams you just forgot what you revised. Every time this happens during every single chinese exam. Its never any different. Every time I come out from the exam hall, I feel, "wait a minute, I know how to write the word. Wtfff." Yeah. that feeling. The feeling that you disappoint yourself and everyone around you. Every time you know you can do well before the exam and tell your teacher, I can score an A1. And then at the end of the exam you take back your words. Maybe some smarty pants out there would go "what are you talking about man?" Yeah, I know you're smart. Thats why I ask myself, if they can do it, why can't I? Now tears roll down my face, its the first time I'm crying over a paper. Its freakass dumb. And then Ms Ang's words pop into my head, her face that shows strong determination telling me that I can go on. "No use crying over spilled milk." I remember those words clearly whenever sister comes into our classroom for chinese after she received a paper during P6. I wish I could turn back in time and have my primary school teachers tell me that I can do better. Its so different in Secondary school. Teachers feel so cold, like they ain't humans. Like the don't understand how hard studying and getting good grades is now.

And then when I told DS that he should just go on. I couldn't. Because this is chinese and every time.... every time I've been failing my teacher. Every time she wants me to score well, every time I can't. Why.

with love,

yiying(: